On The Wings of Purpose – Part 2: Dealing With Depression- Being More and Doing Less
Hear the podcast: http://www.spreaker.com/user/bathsheba/2-dealing-with-depression-being-more
I used to keep track of phone calls. You know, the kind of phone tracking we all do: If s/he doesn’t call me first I’m not talking to him or her type-phone-call tracking. The: I’ve called several times, never to get a call back, I quit being your friend type-call-tracking. The: I’m always the one initiating contact, so I feel empty and vulnerable, but gon’ put a cease to the humiliation by not calling anymore, type-of-phone-tracking.
Anyone know what I mean?
I’ve also given tithes with the hope of increase. Say it with me: “INCREASE!!!!” Lord please give me monies!!! Amen, hallelujah cominonahonda, secret prayer, internal shout type giving for myself tithing. The: I put at least $50 dollars in the offering plate so I feel a blessing pouring out from heaven, hand wave in the air, nasty scrunched up face external shout type tithing.
I’ve also done support planning. The: I’ll attend other people’s functions, so they can support mine type support planning. The let me like a lot of people’s fan pages that I know nothing about so they can like mine type support-planning.
I know how childish it all sounds but I’m sure this is a common thread. Some maturity is certainly needed and I am getting there.
In an effort to be selfish, I’m actually becoming self-less. Going tit for tat on phone calls with people I wish to establish or nurture a relationship only is a disservice to me. When I withhold part of who I am for the sake of protecting my insecurities and vulnerability, I am suppressing the part of me that wants to love. I am losing part of who I am in the attempt to uphold this graven image of myself that cannot hurt. I have created an image that I continuously worship—one that must stay protected and guarded at all times, lest she fails or experiences hurt. This image is an idol that has been placed on the throne of my heart because it is unrealistic. It prevents me from exuding all the love that my true self wants to dispense. I hold back my true self because the false sense of self is covered in pride and pain, so much that she is unable to just pick up the phone and call someone she loves?
*More than we want to be loved is the need and desire to love others.
Why should we hold back on love? Why can’t we love relentlessly, withholding absolutely nothing? How much harm would occur if we simply called because we wanted to? I know I’m not alone on this whole phone-call tracking ordeal.
What if you just sent a text because you felt the need to love on someone more than the need to be loved yourself? No expectations; no need for a text message reply? Isn’t that freedom? Is that not, being true to who you are? The creator who designed us is love Himself. Would he not transplant some of that same love into His creation? When you suppress the desire to pursue love and to love relentlessly—not necessarily in marital context—but just loving people, you hold back on a part of who you are.
I’m tired of holding back. If I want to call, I will. If I don’t want to call and feel the need to call, I will. Point. Blank. Period.
In addition, we have a weird way of giving. Let me just say, giving to be given to is not giving at all. Have you ever received a gift from someone only to have them say immediately, “Okay, where’s mine? Did you get me one?” If you didn’t get that person a gift you almost feel guilty for taking the gift and truth be told, you don’t want the gift anymore. When we give out of necessity, we are not giving generously. In fact, we are not giving to anyone but ourselves. The motive behind it is impure and only self-serving. An entrée served to the part of us that believes in self-preservation more than altruism. These voids that we look to fill: Giving to feel needed, failing to call people, etc, only leads us into dark places. Phone calls seem trivial but layered on top of dealing with the hardships of life, we have these safeguards against those who are close to us…….leaving us susceptible to depression and suicidal thoughts in which no one else is aware, because we have shut them out.
The spirit of depression and suicide is very real in our communities. People don’t want to talk about it, but so many are dying in silence. Let me say this right now to those of you dealing with depression and/or suicidal thoughts: I love you. If no one else has told you today, I will: I love you. You have purpose and no matter how hard it seems or how insignificant you may feel, you were selected to grace this Earth because you have something to offer. I remember being where you are. God loves you. The enemy hates you, because you are so precious and valuable to the earth and God’s people.
Last week, I ended my post talking about how I became a walking zombie after the rug was stripped from beneath my feet. My world seemed to be upside down. Because I don’t have a mother who is active in my life or a father; I guess I felt abandoned… alone.
If you came here to find out every detail of what happened, I’m sorry. I will not deprive any individual involved in the sequence of events that transpired, their opportunity to their own testimony. Who am I to judge them regardless of where they are in their journey or where they are not? So, if you are simply here to get the juice, you’re going to wind up sadly disappointed.
The feeling of abandonment leaves you in a very obscure and vulnerable place. If you are not careful you will make decisions out of desperation, like isolating yourself from everyone else so you don’t have to feel the sting of pain that comes with possibly being rejected. This isolation could lead you to darker places. You suddenly decide you want to lock yourself away in your room all day. One day in bed becomes two. You replay events over and over in your mind, and allow all kinds of negative thoughts to speak to you about how unwanted or insignificant you are. They torment you.
You can’t rest. You start to believe them….guess what???
THEY ARE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Believe me. They are lies!!! At first I thought I could never stop negative thoughts from flooding through my mind. As soon as I’d try to think one positive thought 20 negative ones would consume the one positive. I thought I’d always have this void; this emptiness of feeling like no one cared. On this road however, God sent messengers, angels to keep my feet from stumbling.
Two very close people, who are near and dear to my heart, loved me back to life—one of which sat on the floor in a church bathroom with me as I balled my eyes out on Mother’s Day. I walked right out of the sanctuary in the middle of the service….(With all the craziness in the world right now, we must remember there are still people who truly exude the love of Christ, and greater is He that is in us, than He that is in the world.)
There were more messengers. If anyone tells you they made it to where they are in business on their own, it is simply not the truth. I remember specifically, one of the women at the women’s gathering I attend called, REAL Women, rang my phone in the middle of the afternoon. She had only met me once. She said to me:
“Get out of the bed. Get out of the bed and wash your stinking tail. You have work to do!”
Now, I hadn’t believed much about myself at this low point but, when she called and said what she did, I thought, “Well, how the hell does she know I’m in bed and haven’t taken a shower? She doesn’t know me really, and here she is exposing my truth.”
It had to be God and I must be a little important to get a call from someone who doesn’t know me that well.
I rolled over in the bed and got ready to go out. Not set destination, just out somewhere. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have much; not even an agenda, but I got up anyway and went out.
You who is sitting there, crying about the job you just lost, the heartache of a break-up, the death of a loved one…..
You who feels lonely because you’re single and think your biological clock is ticking…..
You who feels misunderstood by your parents….
You who is bullied in school……
This blog is your phone call. GET UP AND GO OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
Just go. Without music. Without friends.
Go for a walk and listen to yourself. Listen to all the parts of you that desperately want to be heard.
It is in these quiet scary places that you find out how you really feel, what you truly think, and when you can hear the soft cries of the inner child that wants to be held. It’s not until you listen that you will begin to heal by addressing the pain.
Am I completely healed? No, but I’m on the path to recovery. I’m going to start up counseling again in February. You know what’s funny. People think that if you go to counseling, you have to be insane. I think if you have problems and fail to go to counseling…..(you finish the rest).
Alright ya’ll, I have more people to love on…….
Until next time,
P.S.- If you are still struggling with negative thoughts, worship helped with mine. Every time they came….I listened to gospel, inspirational music, motivational speeches, and sermons.
If you are interested in the women’s gathering that is helping me in my process, you can find out more here: REAL Women here: http://www.realwomenrock.org/
*REAL Women hosts a monthly gathering designed to foster transparent, authentic, and powerful connections among women.